Happy

My love will be here in tminus two hours!

Come home. . .

 

Can’t even begin to stop thinking of you . . .

Collided with one of my kind

 

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stays on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moving
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you being with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

 

 

Not alone in the darkness

 

 

Makes me think of Orion

Yea, it’s weird, but this song was on a friends facebook this morning and yes it reminded me of Orion.  I should feel dumb for this crush that I am feeling, but I am feeling to great to feel dumb.  I have never met anyone quite like Orion.  He is a very, very special person and I almost feel like he is what I have been holding out for emotionally. 

“All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do” Roxette

That doesn’t even make much sense…but to me everything makes sense right now.  It’s crazy, because even if it doesn’t make sense I am still so okay with it.

I slept so fucking good last night for the first time in I really couldn’t tell you how long.  I don’t even really know how long that I slept but it was perfect and everything just feels like it has the potential to be perfect and even if its’ not then I am okay with that.   I just want to ride these feelings for a eternity and forget about all the things that have haunted me for so long. 

I don’t have to be lonely.  I don’t have to feel afraid of the dark.  I don’t have to struggle against my own personal brain dragons alone because he accepts all that. 

I mean, yes, I have always had Bunny and I do love bunny, but it’s different.  Not bad different, in fact it’s a very good different.  I have so much love to give and when I don’t have any outlets for that love I start to feel more and more useless.   Of course, I feel useless a lot, but that isn’t going to overcome me right now.

Dear Bunny,

I do love you.  I care about you. I worry about you. I need you in so many ways.  I am sorry that you are so down and I wish I could fix it all, I swear I do.  I just don’t know how.  I want to take all of your pain away from you and carry it all myself. I wish I could go back in the past and erase all the things and all the hurt that has come to such an Angel.  You are my Angel after all.  I wish I knew the right things to say or do and I just don’t know how.  Please promise me you will never give up.  You are way to special.  You are unique and you deserve the love of adoring thousands or of the special few 3 that broke your heart. 

I hope you know how much I care about you, even if I don’t express it the right way all the time and for that I am sorry.  You are my Angel and my best friend.  You are the only person that stood by me and held me from running and I love you. 

I won’t ask you to stay strong, because I know it’s much to hard.  I will ask you to never give up.  I love you and you are to special to give up when the world has beaten you down.  We will make it through somehow. 

Love,

Chaos Kitty.

“Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go”

Now, back to my extreme happiness at the moment.  I can’t even explain the happiness I am feeling.  These lyrics really do express a portion of the feelings that Orion is capable of soliciting from me.  I don’t even know how he does it to me.  I have never known a guy that could make me feel this way to be honest. 

Sure, I have had crushes in the past, but none like these.  Orion likes me not for the fake profile that I play on auto-repeat to everyone else, but for the broken insanity that is the real me.  He has the kind of spirit and heart that doesn’t just attract me, it forces a mild obsession out of me (not to mention a smile that just won’t subside!).  He has a unique way of making me feel alright just by….existing. 

Maybe this whole thing is just crazy, but I will take this crazy for as long as I can and I will relish its every moment.  I will cling to it like it’s the last raft of a sinking ship.  Things will get better and I know it now.  What are we doing? I don’t know but I know that this feels better than anything in years.  This feels better than my relationship with Robert ever did --- I was always walking on eggshells and protecting my images to keep him happy.  Orion is happy with me, the real and the true me.  The me that I never dare to share.  I never want to unk-now this feeling. 

I am free from my own prison and constraints with him and he is happy for me to be that, whatever I am.  He understands and we share and lament in many of the same pains and hurts.  We share many of the same guards and barriers, yet they all came tumbling down with a fervor.  The words can never express my feeling right now,

but for now

I will take it where I get. <3 Orion

Gah, so much bouncing around in my head and to much to explain.  I need a brain break…..I’ll try again later.

 

“They” are watching; All of “them.”

“Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides”

Delirum–Silence

Yea, this was a good video for this song and it really made me want to go play Zelda again like I was a kid back home before everything fell apart.  There was one Christmas that I got the Legend of Zelda game and a pimp Ariel sleeping bag.  I remember sitting next to the fireplace and playing that game with my Dad while my mom slept off yet another long night partying.  I guess it was always that way, at least for as long as I can remember.  Hell I was usually with her on most of those wild escapades to be real honest.  It’s kinda crazy to think about some of those times and it kind of all seems pretty unreal.

I don’t even really trust my brain anymore.  I never really know if I am remembering things the way that I should or if my brain is just distorting things through its’ own protective methods.  I know some things I can only remember the sounds and I can recite conversations in broken bits, but I can’t see a damn thing.  It is really fucking annoying.  I am not sure if I am supposed to remember or not, maybe I don’t really want too if I am honest with myself. 

Lady Hawke–My Delirium

“Hey! you`re playing with my delirium
And the longer i wait the harder i`m gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delirium
Coz i`m outa my head and outa my self control”

I do feel out of my head all of the time lately, but I guess that is just my normal place really.  It’s like sometimes I really feel like someone else is putting ideas in my head or like my brain gets stuck on auto-repeat and I just don’t have the tools that I need to control it or reverse those thoughts.   Sometimes when I try to think back and remember things, it’s not even my memories, but instead its me watching “me.” 

I know it’s crazy, but I really do feel as if I am watching some horror movie version of myself and I keep screaming at myself to stop, turn around or run way – All to no avail.  It is sad and frustrating to watch myself long after its to long gone. 

I have no clue how this is appropriate, but it was stuck in my head–SO yea.

Now, this brings me to something I want to lightly touch on before I get to tired to write anymore since we are on the subject of me watching me.  I am also constantly convinced that “they” are watching me.  This “they” is no one in particular, but “they” watch me consistently, even when I don’t know “them.”  Most of the time “they” just watch me with no harmful or malicious intentions, but there are times when a separate *bad* “they” do have intent to hurt me – usually by trying to shoot me through any window possible or lurking in dark rooms.

This one is just funny.

I know some of this is lingering's of PTSD from my past.  I know the whole “shooting in windows” comes from really having someone shoot literally through our windows.  It was on of my mom’s any ex’s he was so crazy.

As for lurking in dark rooms, that’s a story for many other days. 

This post has gotten entirely off the track that my brain was on and I have no clue where all the words went that were floating around in my head, but I guess I can save them for another time.

I am pretty tired.

Tired

I have wanted to say something for days, but something has kept me from it.  I don’t know what – I guess it is just me loosing the fight against the notorious brain dragons that take over my thoughts.

“The wave has come, now she has past, hush.
Her power, her might, her silent extinguishing strength.
Shhh, lie down, lie down, and sleep.
No longer are you alone, hush.
The four riders black, devestation, they come hush.
Now you can sleep, sleep the best sleep.
No more screaming, no crying, no pain, just sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, shhh!”

- William Flemming

Sometimes it’s as if all the ideas and thoughts I have are flittering by so quickly they are unattainable. It’s like I am trapped in a prison surrounded by nothing but images of all I have fucked up and the broken reminants of what remains.

I am tired of fighting.  What if that?  What if I am just tired of fighting?  Tired of trying?  Tired of it all?  What if I don’t even care to keep on?  What then?  Where does it leave me?

I just want to rest indefinately and stop this all.  I want the thoughts gone.  The stress gone.  I don’t want to fight.  I don’t see the purpose and I am not sure that I ever have.

Did I ever know who I was? Probably not.

I want so badly to hide in my room, burried under blankets and hiding from the world, but I have no room.  At least not one that I can truly call my own right now.  I hate this feeling of emptiness and lonelieness and of homelessness.  I don’t know where I can call home anymore and that’s almost as good as being homeless.

I think I will try to nap and hope the world just passes me by unnoticed while I sleep (hopefully).

Me against Me

 

 

Lupe Fiasco–Beautiful Lasers

 

Lyrics:

[Hook: MDMA]
There's only 2 ways out of here
You'll be too late, you'll be trapped here forever
There's only 2 ways out of here
One's through the door, the other's through me

[Verse 1: Lupe Fiasco]
Sometimes living in a world like this
It's pretty hard not to go insane
Not pretty if you don't comply
Pretty easy if you don't complain
Stand there like you don't feel pain
No tears in the face of defeat
Pretend til the end that you don't feel change
Don't admit that your faith is weak
Don't say that you feel like dying
Life's hard and it feels like diamonds
Your home's just far too gone
Much too late to even feel like trying
Can't understand what I'm saying
Can't figure out what I'm implying
If you feel you don't wanna be alive
You feel just how I am

I'm on the dark side
And you can't come find him
How when it's light all around you
Yeah, But it's dark all inside him
No winners when it's me against me
One of us just ain't gonna survive
My heart been broke for a while
Your's been the one keepin' me alive

[Hook]

[Verse 2: Lupe Fiasco]
This world is such a fucked up place
My mind's such a fucked up shape
Everything down here sucks
Maybe what's up there is great
We all gotta go one day
I just wanna cut to the chase
I wanna stop these nightmares
I just wanna touch her face

All you see is all my feats (feets)
All you see is all my flaws
All I hear is all my demons
Even through your applause
All you see is all my flights
Well all I see is all my falls
All you see is all my rights
All I see is all my wrongs

Door, keep telling me to fight
Gun on my table telling me to come home
Telling me to to put him inside my hand
Then put it up right next to my dome
Door keep telling me to find a reason
Anything to keep me from squeezing
Simplest things, yea you really like summer
You really like music, you really like reading love
I can't win if it's me against me
One of us ain't gonna survive
And my heart been broke for a while
Your's been the one keepin' me alive
Your's been the one keepin' me alive
Your's been the one keepin' me alive

[Hook]

Cutting fuses

Here I am, 11am and still awake -- I didn't even look at my bed tonight, but I knew that was coming long before the night crested very good.  I am . . . frustrated more than I am tired.  I ran dungeons on my warrior and just zoned for . . . I don't really know how many hours.

The entire night though, I couldn't get this song out of my head that bunny sent me after a conversation we have been having basically since I saw my psychologist the other day.

SO basically, my psychologist was doing one of those questionaire bullshit things to measure if you have the "symptoms" of whatever.  One of the questions was. . ."Do you have a hard time making friends?"

Well truthfully?  No. People rarely dislike me when they meet me.  In fact, quite the opposite is true.  They fall in love with me, get addicted to me, and are just generally attracted to being around me and the life that I have created for them to see.

Now, do I care for all of these people. Yes.  Do I miss them? Every last one.  Even the ones that stabbed me in the back, spat in my face, and laughed when I stumbled and fell as I ran away. . No, never just out of town -- Not out of the county, but states away.  There was never enough distance to be put between me and these various people that I have loved passionately as friends and the few romantic lovers I have held for short periods of time.  Yes, I clearly see that my default setting is -flight- when it comes to getting terrible close for terribly long.

These are all the same people that I would more than readily fight for in any given circumstance, justified or not.  It's like when I care for people it's with such and intensity that it is overwhelming and then I make the mistake of assuming that they should, in turn, reciprocate this dedication that I have shown them in exorbitant amounts.

The sad part is that these people bleed me dry emotionally and in any other way that they can.  They utilize the energy and the fact that I never sleep to serve a purpose. It's not always the same, but I fall into it everytime; Sometimes I even know I am doing it, but I do it anyway.  It wasn't until just very recently that I have known people that have . . .recognized? sympathized? felt sorry for? I don't know what it is, but it's something.

My best friend from the time I was, I don't know, 5 maybe? was my Brother.  He was my hero in so many ways.  He was there when everyone else had turned their backs.  He was the one that  basically rescued me after my mom kicked me out for wanting to go to college.

Let me talk about Noah a bit -- He was pretty much amazing from the get go.  Everyone loved and adored Noah.  He was the All-American man that people aspired to be like.  He never scored below A - average's , he was the starting quarterback, the lead in every theatrical performance, a black belt, always helping everyone that he could and eventually he went off to serve, as he said, "A purpose higher than [him]self."  Noah so gallantly rode off in that military plane to Iraq, knowing the potential consequences and seeing no other options but to face them; such courage and such care.  He carried beanie babies in his pockets to hand out to the different kids, hoping to inspire something other than hate and war in their tiny hearts.

He even made one last trip to try to save me from my own self-destructive prison that I had locked myself into when I lived in New York.  He sat me down that day and dared me to lie to him about the situation I was in. . . I promised him I was fine and that life was indeed much more grand than I could have EVER imagined - - - But I fear that even thought he left that day that the bruises on my face were enough to tell the truth.  I was good at creating alternate realities.  I always had been -- Perhaps I even believed what I was saying then.  I probably did --

I eventually got to the point that my perception of love was so warped.  I actually believed that the only form of affection was in the moments that I cowered in the corner while images of my childhood flooded back just before the first violently angry blow.  Why was he so angry with me?  I would question this often as I meekly took the fits of ravenous rage that tore at much more than my flesh.  It still gives me a sick feeling to my stomach as I think of those times -- And many other times, but they haunt me.

I don't really talk about it.  I am ashamed.  How did I ever let that happen to me?  I had promised myself that I would never let the very thing that I watch my own mother endure through tragic mishap-pen relationship after even more fucked up relationship.  And there I was, like a moron daydreaming as he used me like his own personal stress ball and then smiled as I lied about the especially tough "rugby" practice. (Granted, I legitimately DID play rugby....It was never as bad as the sport called Jonby.)

Somehow I became convinced that horrific things he did were just his way of showing affection to me because for whatever reason I was sub-human.  Sometimes I would have preferred that he just hit me over the things he would do just to simply fuck with my mind.  I was struggling with so much --  I still struggled to cling to, what is now a shattered faith.  I really wanted to do the right things, but he preferred any option that would simply stroke his ego I suppose and torment me.

Yea, sometimes I post a lot of music videos, because they can kinda get my point across and how I am feeling.  Anyway...

So enough about that for now and back to Noah.  So he was amazing in every way and an upstanding and respectable human being -- He never came home from Iraq.  And I wonder why him and not me somehow? I wish I could take is place, because honestly I fuck up everything I touch eventually -- Don't get me wrong, when I am good I am fucking amazing . .. for a bit. . . then I fumble and fuck it all up.  It's never, "oops you made a small mistake," and its ALWAYS something of nuclear proportions leaving everyone completely dazed and confused by the bombshell.

My brother stood by me through the tough fuckups and other than that? Everyone else faded into the dark after no more than 3 years ever at a time.  That's like tops. HAH.  I think I have know Randi for a little over 4 years now and Robert I knew for uhm.........gosh I don't know I was like 18 the first we ever kinda met.

I guess my goal is to figure out exactly what makes me spin so violently control toward these mishaps and mistakes and ultimately to the grande finale of an explosion.

I need to go make work words again...Maybe I will come back for more later.

Broken Shields & Memories

So, this may seem pretty retarded, but I tend to relate a lot of my feelings and life to World of Warcraft.  I guess it's one of the few things I can make sense of anymore -- which is absolutely retarded.

Anyway-- The whole point of that blip of knowledge is to say this.  What if we had some form of metaphorical "shield" that was meant to be our barrier from the stressors that are put upon us?  Then does that mean that if the war of life beats you enough your shield would break?

Now my question is, if your shield is broken and you have misplaced your weapon, then exactly what are you left with to fight off the notorious brain dragons?  Nothing.  Left with nothing all over again..... This theme seems to be reoccurring lately.  

I fear that my theoritical shield broke a very long time ago and that I was just running on this crazy and intense high until that one fucking terrible day.  The thing I don't understand the most is how I withstood so much of the other bullshit that I have seen and that has happened to me, but the thing that finally snapped that shield in half was the departure of...essentially the.....the mortar that held me together at the seems.  Something about Robert in specific gave me hope for the first time in light years.  He, at one point at least, helped me to see the things around me for what they were and to move to be strong; Most of all there was something in him that inspired me to go for things I never thought were possible.....and that again seem all to scary.

I will probably never return to school --- No matter what I say -- I won't get my PhD and there I will be.... And everyone back home can be right.  They can finally be proud in their predictions about the simple, awkward girl that left town at 16 wide-eyed and curious to learn what the world outside of that tiny town could offer here.

It didn't take long for me to realize that no matter what there would be demons that would find me and torment.  It was as if I was literally dragging a cart filled with a million tormented souls that want more than anything to overcome me and walk the world again. Yea....that's a pretty crazy thought, eh? Maybe they are the only ones that have learned how to control brain dragons, taming them for their own evil purposes.

Okay yea, this is gonna get boring and lengthy I fear so either re-direct your attentions to other more intriguing things or grab a cup of coffee or whatever and well, settle in I suppose.

"Each of us is an accumulation of our memories."

-Alan Loy McGinnis

I have a whole fuckton of things rattling around in my brain today.  It's largely in part to Bunny and I's trip to the university today.  I had to get my medical records for the crazy person doctor cuz, yea.  Anyway, it's kind of insane the flood of memories that came rushing into my head just upon entering that city; A city that once use to be the only place I had ever found solitude and happiness.  Jacksonville was my safety zone for so many years and now it holds nothing but the ghosts of a past all to far gone.

I even begged my husband to please not ruin that place for me.  I made him promise to at least let me finish my PhD before he did anything stupid. He made all of these promises BEFORE I ever agreed to his pleas for me to marry him...This was after MUCH hesitation on my part, but life threw some seriously devastating things at me during that time.  He promised to take care of me and at the time I had a staph infection that  (once I finally got care the day after we got married) the doctors told me could have probably killed me before long.

First off, THANK YOU for stating the fucking obvious.  I am not a moron and I knew I was fucking sick as hell but I had no insurance and well I don't know.  Anyway -- So -- I got married to him -- we had been friends for some time before we dated and things were for all intensive purposes and such were sorta perfect.   I should have know that perfection doesn't actually exist. . .

Perfection is just a perception of a misconstrued reality. . .A misconstrued reality that we create in our heads, I guess.

Secondly, as I said before he inspired me.  Why? I don't know.  When I was with Robert I truly felt invincible.  I did some of my best work while I was with him and even my thesis I wrote in hopes that he would be back soon. . . Ha soon and that was a year later.... Silly chaoskitty is silly.  We were best friends afterall and in away we had always fed off of each other's crazy.

Now, I have to go on a hopefully brief aside.  I do get super hyper-sexual when I am manic and I have been known to do insane things to attain sex when I am manic.  I am completely reckless and dangerous about it-- I really don't fucking care.

The point of this aside is that I can see now that Robert used that to his advantage and was all to happy to just manipulate me and my emotions....He can't tell me he didn't recognize that about me....He is still the only person I have ever really known that long. . . I never keep friends or lovers long because when they start to get to close it's time for me to move out of the state......

(Yes, now its Bunny and she refuses to let me run .... Thankfully.) 

Robert used my periods of mania to playout the fantasies that he wanted, at all costs -- Even knowing how I would feel when I "woke up" from my periods of disillusion.  How could he do that?  How is that everyone around me has pretty much taken hold of my mania and used it to their benefit all of these years and didn't even care how it would affect me in the end?

Anyway, Jacksonville was the last place I ever saw my husband.  God, what a tragedy.   I have said that before though.  It's hard for me to really put into words any of how I am feeling or what I am thinking.  In fact, my typing is nothing but sputters of keystrokes --- I keep hoping to make sense of it all.  How did I get here?  I keep asking myself that....It's the only thing is consistent anymore.... How did it happen? What did I do? Where did I make that horrific wrong turn that led me into this endless and mindless oblivion.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow. . . "

At least that is what Shakespeare said. . . There is nothing sweet about the sorrow that endlesslessly continues to consume me.  It kind of seems like time has only further wrapped the memories and the feelings of that time.

This is where I am going to go on a rant that Bunny has heard (all to often I am sure).  I would give anything to be be able to at least change the way things ended; to change that last memory.  Why did it have to be that way?  The forced kiss through my sobs and him looking at me through eyes of sympathetic confusion and the adoration that an adult has for a small child. . . "I'll be back soon. I love you," as if he were just going out to run an errand. . .

An errand that would last for almost 4 years. . .

His voice still lingers in my ear drums, haunting me and leaving me with thousands of unanswered questions.  I remember all of the happiness and joy that we shared and then I see that look and hear those penetratingly cold words stab into my thoughts . . . One of the few thoughts that always come across LOUD and CLEAR.  No he never truly knew me, but it was okay in some weird way....No matter how tiring it was.

As Bunny and I drove through Jacksonville, I couldn't help but let my mind wander to various memories of times when I think I was happy, but I am not sure.....  My psychologist asked me who I was this week and I couldn't answer.  I am not sure.

Did I ever know or did I just continuously concoct the easiest personality to fit every situation?  I am sure that the last is most likely true.

I had  a lot more to say, but I can't sort through all my thoughts anymore so I guess this is where I stop for now. .. Off to try to make words for some work stuff since I can't make anymore words here. . . .

I leave you with a song from the musical cats, "Memory."

Brain Dragons

“Even though I'm sleeping again, everything still feels a little rickety, like I'm here but not quite here, like I'm just a stand-in for my real self, like someone could just reach over and pinch me and I'd deflate. I thought I was feeling better, but I don't know anymore.” 
― Amy Reed, Crazy

This is all to true, even though most night I am not sleeping still.  I hate this feeling and I hate feeling like I have absolutely no control anymore.  I wish I could know how at one point, even when I was completely out of control that somehow I held together my life, but now . . . I have just lost everything.

Nothing seems real to me anymore . . . It's all like a broken, terrible nightmare that will persist if but just to take control of me and consume me completely before I can even take my next breathe.  This is why people commit suicide, they decide that they must end it before this "thing" has time to do it for them.  It's the only sense of control they have over their weakness and their illness; over their lives even.

How disheartening is it to think that the only thing you can actually control anymore is your own existence or non-existence.  What if you got the point that you didn't even feel as if you had no control of that?  Where does that leave me? Lost and hopeless with my own thoughts, thoughts that I wish I could destroy and never know again?

You can't unknow what is already known as they say I guess.    

How does a person essentially become a prisoner of their own mind?  How is that this invisible dragon slowly siphon all that was useful, all that was pleasant, everything that was once worth a damn, and just leave you as an empty shell of a person?

I can almost feel this dragon's claws as it digs deep into my brain, taking control of all that I am and refusing to ever let go of it.  These dragons are not like the ones in WoW.  No, they can't be so easily slain by a group of your "close" internet friends, nor would those friends really care to contend with your brain dragons.  What if I transform into a brain dragon after to many years of being controlled like a puppet on a string?  What if I start to slowly suck away the livelihood of any that dares to venture to close to what seems to be a sleepy brain dragon?

Sometimes a brain dragon is easily disguised as a harmless jester, full of "life" and seemingly harmless -- That is until you realize that the brain dragon is not full of life, it runs on your life energy, slowly sucking away till you are weak enough to consume.

Parasitic brain dragons are the only way I can describe my bipolar.  

As for now, I am gonna slip away to a *hopefully* delightful lunch with my most favortist bunny.