Tired

I have wanted to say something for days, but something has kept me from it.  I don’t know what – I guess it is just me loosing the fight against the notorious brain dragons that take over my thoughts.

“The wave has come, now she has past, hush.
Her power, her might, her silent extinguishing strength.
Shhh, lie down, lie down, and sleep.
No longer are you alone, hush.
The four riders black, devestation, they come hush.
Now you can sleep, sleep the best sleep.
No more screaming, no crying, no pain, just sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, shhh!”

- William Flemming

Sometimes it’s as if all the ideas and thoughts I have are flittering by so quickly they are unattainable. It’s like I am trapped in a prison surrounded by nothing but images of all I have fucked up and the broken reminants of what remains.

I am tired of fighting.  What if that?  What if I am just tired of fighting?  Tired of trying?  Tired of it all?  What if I don’t even care to keep on?  What then?  Where does it leave me?

I just want to rest indefinately and stop this all.  I want the thoughts gone.  The stress gone.  I don’t want to fight.  I don’t see the purpose and I am not sure that I ever have.

Did I ever know who I was? Probably not.

I want so badly to hide in my room, burried under blankets and hiding from the world, but I have no room.  At least not one that I can truly call my own right now.  I hate this feeling of emptiness and lonelieness and of homelessness.  I don’t know where I can call home anymore and that’s almost as good as being homeless.

I think I will try to nap and hope the world just passes me by unnoticed while I sleep (hopefully).