“Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides”
Yea, this was a good video for this song and it really made me want to go play Zelda again like I was a kid back home before everything fell apart. There was one Christmas that I got the Legend of Zelda game and a pimp Ariel sleeping bag. I remember sitting next to the fireplace and playing that game with my Dad while my mom slept off yet another long night partying. I guess it was always that way, at least for as long as I can remember. Hell I was usually with her on most of those wild escapades to be real honest. It’s kinda crazy to think about some of those times and it kind of all seems pretty unreal.
I don’t even really trust my brain anymore. I never really know if I am remembering things the way that I should or if my brain is just distorting things through its’ own protective methods. I know some things I can only remember the sounds and I can recite conversations in broken bits, but I can’t see a damn thing. It is really fucking annoying. I am not sure if I am supposed to remember or not, maybe I don’t really want too if I am honest with myself.
“Hey! you`re playing with my delirium
And the longer i wait the harder i`m gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delirium
Coz i`m outa my head and outa my self control”
I do feel out of my head all of the time lately, but I guess that is just my normal place really. It’s like sometimes I really feel like someone else is putting ideas in my head or like my brain gets stuck on auto-repeat and I just don’t have the tools that I need to control it or reverse those thoughts. Sometimes when I try to think back and remember things, it’s not even my memories, but instead its me watching “me.”
I know it’s crazy, but I really do feel as if I am watching some horror movie version of myself and I keep screaming at myself to stop, turn around or run way – All to no avail. It is sad and frustrating to watch myself long after its to long gone.
Now, this brings me to something I want to lightly touch on before I get to tired to write anymore since we are on the subject of me watching me. I am also constantly convinced that “they” are watching me. This “they” is no one in particular, but “they” watch me consistently, even when I don’t know “them.” Most of the time “they” just watch me with no harmful or malicious intentions, but there are times when a separate *bad* “they” do have intent to hurt me – usually by trying to shoot me through any window possible or lurking in dark rooms.
This one is just funny.
I know some of this is lingering's of PTSD from my past. I know the whole “shooting in windows” comes from really having someone shoot literally through our windows. It was on of my mom’s any ex’s he was so crazy.
As for lurking in dark rooms, that’s a story for many other days.
This post has gotten entirely off the track that my brain was on and I have no clue where all the words went that were floating around in my head, but I guess I can save them for another time.
I am pretty tired.
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