Supernova to the heart

And without warning, there was a supernova that come flying past and bursting into your life. . . There you were alone, hopeless, and distorted by all that life had beaten you with. 

I don’t mean to whine, but life hasn’t exactly been very easy, much harder than the normal lot in life.   Being homeless for instance, I truly believe most people couldn’t cope with loosing that last, lingering sense of security.

I guess this is one reason that I am so thankful for the little bits of happiness or in this case of my life the very large bits of happiness that have finally been thrown my way. 

“I threw a wish in the well,Don't ask me, I'll never tell looked to you as it fell,and now you're in my way “

I have known Orion for about a year or so now.  I met him in the most unlikely ways, at least to me.  I had hard rules against the getting overly attached to anyone from a sillyass video game, but alas, it happened without my knowing. 

Silly how a game can do something so unexpected. . . Thank you World of Warcraft. . . . .

From the day that I met Orion, I always knew I wanted something just like him, but never thought it was him --- It wasn’t possible after all?  He was perfect in all the words that he said and his laugh made me….want to smile?  Something that was not frequently found in my house, especially not on my face! 

How is it that you can have loved someone for a thousand years and want to love them a thousand more without having known them for a thousand years?  I never believed in the whole soul mates thing, not really.  Had I come close to this feeling?  Sure.  Robert was a very close to this feeling, but I didn’t love him from the moment I met him --- Not like Orion. 

“I have died every day

Waiting for you

Darlin' don't be afraid

I have loved you for a Thousand years

I'll love you for a Thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought Your heart to me”

I loved him before I knew I loved him and that’s insane to say --- Or maybe I just another crazy girl.  I honestly couldn’t have hand crafted a better match for me.  He is everything I wished for and everything I had forgotten to wish for.   

I have doubted every man I have ever been with;  I have felt inadequate and often unwanted, but Orion never makes me feel that way.  He has that kind of unconditional love that everyone needs and craves from a lover and a companion. 

Sometimes I believe that we have mates that we see time and time again and Orion is mine.  I looked for him in all the wrong places and at the very last moment before I left to go look in another time he was there to save me.  He didn’t just save me, he jumped down with me instead of sending for me.  He knew and He came.  How?  I don’t know, not could I ever explain.   

In essence, I am thankful. I am happy. I am more than ecstatic and never could have even dreamed such a grand thing into existence.   I am just a simple girl, broken, bruised and torn by the past and he is. . . Everything I ever needed.  How did *I* get so lucky? 

*takes a breathe*

That’s enough for now…..

Come home. . .

 

Can’t even begin to stop thinking of you . . .

Not alone in the darkness

 

 

Makes me think of Orion

Yea, it’s weird, but this song was on a friends facebook this morning and yes it reminded me of Orion.  I should feel dumb for this crush that I am feeling, but I am feeling to great to feel dumb.  I have never met anyone quite like Orion.  He is a very, very special person and I almost feel like he is what I have been holding out for emotionally. 

“All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do” Roxette

That doesn’t even make much sense…but to me everything makes sense right now.  It’s crazy, because even if it doesn’t make sense I am still so okay with it.

I slept so fucking good last night for the first time in I really couldn’t tell you how long.  I don’t even really know how long that I slept but it was perfect and everything just feels like it has the potential to be perfect and even if its’ not then I am okay with that.   I just want to ride these feelings for a eternity and forget about all the things that have haunted me for so long. 

I don’t have to be lonely.  I don’t have to feel afraid of the dark.  I don’t have to struggle against my own personal brain dragons alone because he accepts all that. 

I mean, yes, I have always had Bunny and I do love bunny, but it’s different.  Not bad different, in fact it’s a very good different.  I have so much love to give and when I don’t have any outlets for that love I start to feel more and more useless.   Of course, I feel useless a lot, but that isn’t going to overcome me right now.

Dear Bunny,

I do love you.  I care about you. I worry about you. I need you in so many ways.  I am sorry that you are so down and I wish I could fix it all, I swear I do.  I just don’t know how.  I want to take all of your pain away from you and carry it all myself. I wish I could go back in the past and erase all the things and all the hurt that has come to such an Angel.  You are my Angel after all.  I wish I knew the right things to say or do and I just don’t know how.  Please promise me you will never give up.  You are way to special.  You are unique and you deserve the love of adoring thousands or of the special few 3 that broke your heart. 

I hope you know how much I care about you, even if I don’t express it the right way all the time and for that I am sorry.  You are my Angel and my best friend.  You are the only person that stood by me and held me from running and I love you. 

I won’t ask you to stay strong, because I know it’s much to hard.  I will ask you to never give up.  I love you and you are to special to give up when the world has beaten you down.  We will make it through somehow. 

Love,

Chaos Kitty.

“Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go”

Now, back to my extreme happiness at the moment.  I can’t even explain the happiness I am feeling.  These lyrics really do express a portion of the feelings that Orion is capable of soliciting from me.  I don’t even know how he does it to me.  I have never known a guy that could make me feel this way to be honest. 

Sure, I have had crushes in the past, but none like these.  Orion likes me not for the fake profile that I play on auto-repeat to everyone else, but for the broken insanity that is the real me.  He has the kind of spirit and heart that doesn’t just attract me, it forces a mild obsession out of me (not to mention a smile that just won’t subside!).  He has a unique way of making me feel alright just by….existing. 

Maybe this whole thing is just crazy, but I will take this crazy for as long as I can and I will relish its every moment.  I will cling to it like it’s the last raft of a sinking ship.  Things will get better and I know it now.  What are we doing? I don’t know but I know that this feels better than anything in years.  This feels better than my relationship with Robert ever did --- I was always walking on eggshells and protecting my images to keep him happy.  Orion is happy with me, the real and the true me.  The me that I never dare to share.  I never want to unk-now this feeling. 

I am free from my own prison and constraints with him and he is happy for me to be that, whatever I am.  He understands and we share and lament in many of the same pains and hurts.  We share many of the same guards and barriers, yet they all came tumbling down with a fervor.  The words can never express my feeling right now,

but for now

I will take it where I get. <3 Orion

Gah, so much bouncing around in my head and to much to explain.  I need a brain break…..I’ll try again later.