And without warning, there was a supernova that come flying past and bursting into your life. . . There you were alone, hopeless, and distorted by all that life had beaten you with.
I don’t mean to whine, but life hasn’t exactly been very easy, much harder than the normal lot in life. Being homeless for instance, I truly believe most people couldn’t cope with loosing that last, lingering sense of security.
I guess this is one reason that I am so thankful for the little bits of happiness or in this case of my life the very large bits of happiness that have finally been thrown my way.
I have known Orion for about a year or so now. I met him in the most unlikely ways, at least to me. I had hard rules against the getting overly attached to anyone from a sillyass video game, but alas, it happened without my knowing.
From the day that I met Orion, I always knew I wanted something just like him, but never thought it was him --- It wasn’t possible after all? He was perfect in all the words that he said and his laugh made me….want to smile? Something that was not frequently found in my house, especially not on my face!
How is it that you can have loved someone for a thousand years and want to love them a thousand more without having known them for a thousand years? I never believed in the whole soul mates thing, not really. Had I come close to this feeling? Sure. Robert was a very close to this feeling, but I didn’t love him from the moment I met him --- Not like Orion.
“I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a Thousand years
I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought Your heart to me”
I loved him before I knew I loved him and that’s insane to say --- Or maybe I just another crazy girl. I honestly couldn’t have hand crafted a better match for me. He is everything I wished for and everything I had forgotten to wish for.
I have doubted every man I have ever been with; I have felt inadequate and often unwanted, but Orion never makes me feel that way. He has that kind of unconditional love that everyone needs and craves from a lover and a companion.
Sometimes I believe that we have mates that we see time and time again and Orion is mine. I looked for him in all the wrong places and at the very last moment before I left to go look in another time he was there to save me. He didn’t just save me, he jumped down with me instead of sending for me. He knew and He came. How? I don’t know, not could I ever explain.
In essence, I am thankful. I am happy. I am more than ecstatic and never could have even dreamed such a grand thing into existence. I am just a simple girl, broken, bruised and torn by the past and he is. . . Everything I ever needed. How did *I* get so lucky?
*takes a breathe*
That’s enough for now…..
Heeey heeeey heeeeey
Your lipstick stays on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moving
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you being with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Yea, it’s weird, but this song was on a friends facebook this morning and yes it reminded me of Orion. I should feel dumb for this crush that I am feeling, but I am feeling to great to feel dumb. I have never met anyone quite like Orion. He is a very, very special person and I almost feel like he is what I have been holding out for emotionally.
“All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do” Roxette
That doesn’t even make much sense…but to me everything makes sense right now. It’s crazy, because even if it doesn’t make sense I am still so okay with it.
I slept so fucking good last night for the first time in I really couldn’t tell you how long. I don’t even really know how long that I slept but it was perfect and everything just feels like it has the potential to be perfect and even if its’ not then I am okay with that. I just want to ride these feelings for a eternity and forget about all the things that have haunted me for so long.
I don’t have to be lonely. I don’t have to feel afraid of the dark. I don’t have to struggle against my own personal brain dragons alone because he accepts all that.
I mean, yes, I have always had Bunny and I do love bunny, but it’s different. Not bad different, in fact it’s a very good different. I have so much love to give and when I don’t have any outlets for that love I start to feel more and more useless. Of course, I feel useless a lot, but that isn’t going to overcome me right now.
Dear Bunny,
I do love you. I care about you. I worry about you. I need you in so many ways. I am sorry that you are so down and I wish I could fix it all, I swear I do. I just don’t know how. I want to take all of your pain away from you and carry it all myself. I wish I could go back in the past and erase all the things and all the hurt that has come to such an Angel. You are my Angel after all. I wish I knew the right things to say or do and I just don’t know how. Please promise me you will never give up. You are way to special. You are unique and you deserve the love of adoring thousands or of the special few 3 that broke your heart.
I hope you know how much I care about you, even if I don’t express it the right way all the time and for that I am sorry. You are my Angel and my best friend. You are the only person that stood by me and held me from running and I love you.
I won’t ask you to stay strong, because I know it’s much to hard. I will ask you to never give up. I love you and you are to special to give up when the world has beaten you down. We will make it through somehow.
Love,
Chaos Kitty.
“Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go”
Now, back to my extreme happiness at the moment. I can’t even explain the happiness I am feeling. These lyrics really do express a portion of the feelings that Orion is capable of soliciting from me. I don’t even know how he does it to me. I have never known a guy that could make me feel this way to be honest.
Sure, I have had crushes in the past, but none like these. Orion likes me not for the fake profile that I play on auto-repeat to everyone else, but for the broken insanity that is the real me. He has the kind of spirit and heart that doesn’t just attract me, it forces a mild obsession out of me (not to mention a smile that just won’t subside!). He has a unique way of making me feel alright just by….existing.
Maybe this whole thing is just crazy, but I will take this crazy for as long as I can and I will relish its every moment. I will cling to it like it’s the last raft of a sinking ship. Things will get better and I know it now. What are we doing? I don’t know but I know that this feels better than anything in years. This feels better than my relationship with Robert ever did --- I was always walking on eggshells and protecting my images to keep him happy. Orion is happy with me, the real and the true me. The me that I never dare to share. I never want to unk-now this feeling.
I am free from my own prison and constraints with him and he is happy for me to be that, whatever I am. He understands and we share and lament in many of the same pains and hurts. We share many of the same guards and barriers, yet they all came tumbling down with a fervor. The words can never express my feeling right now,
but for now
I will take it where I get. <3 Orion
Gah, so much bouncing around in my head and to much to explain. I need a brain break…..I’ll try again later.
“Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides”
Yea, this was a good video for this song and it really made me want to go play Zelda again like I was a kid back home before everything fell apart. There was one Christmas that I got the Legend of Zelda game and a pimp Ariel sleeping bag. I remember sitting next to the fireplace and playing that game with my Dad while my mom slept off yet another long night partying. I guess it was always that way, at least for as long as I can remember. Hell I was usually with her on most of those wild escapades to be real honest. It’s kinda crazy to think about some of those times and it kind of all seems pretty unreal.
I don’t even really trust my brain anymore. I never really know if I am remembering things the way that I should or if my brain is just distorting things through its’ own protective methods. I know some things I can only remember the sounds and I can recite conversations in broken bits, but I can’t see a damn thing. It is really fucking annoying. I am not sure if I am supposed to remember or not, maybe I don’t really want too if I am honest with myself.
“Hey! you`re playing with my delirium
And the longer i wait the harder i`m gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delirium
Coz i`m outa my head and outa my self control”
I do feel out of my head all of the time lately, but I guess that is just my normal place really. It’s like sometimes I really feel like someone else is putting ideas in my head or like my brain gets stuck on auto-repeat and I just don’t have the tools that I need to control it or reverse those thoughts. Sometimes when I try to think back and remember things, it’s not even my memories, but instead its me watching “me.”
I know it’s crazy, but I really do feel as if I am watching some horror movie version of myself and I keep screaming at myself to stop, turn around or run way – All to no avail. It is sad and frustrating to watch myself long after its to long gone.
Now, this brings me to something I want to lightly touch on before I get to tired to write anymore since we are on the subject of me watching me. I am also constantly convinced that “they” are watching me. This “they” is no one in particular, but “they” watch me consistently, even when I don’t know “them.” Most of the time “they” just watch me with no harmful or malicious intentions, but there are times when a separate *bad* “they” do have intent to hurt me – usually by trying to shoot me through any window possible or lurking in dark rooms.
This one is just funny.
I know some of this is lingering's of PTSD from my past. I know the whole “shooting in windows” comes from really having someone shoot literally through our windows. It was on of my mom’s any ex’s he was so crazy.
As for lurking in dark rooms, that’s a story for many other days.
This post has gotten entirely off the track that my brain was on and I have no clue where all the words went that were floating around in my head, but I guess I can save them for another time.
I am pretty tired.
